Finding My Fire Angel
by MyFireAngel
Summary: this is based off of twilight, starts right from the begining, but bella is sorta depressed, feels like she doesn't belong anywhere. Warning: may contain self harm, and lemons...
1. All Alone

**sorry, i don't have a first chapter, i've been really busy, it'll be here soon! **

**please check back later!!**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**BPOV**:

Stepping into Charlie's house for the first time, I slowly walked in, dragging my only piece of luggage behind me. A black backpack with nothing more than the few clothes I didn't mind waring and my toiletries. I'd left all my other belongings back at Renee's house. They all held too many memories for me to bare. All of the things that tore me up inside everytime they came into my line of vision, into my thoughts...

"Bella?"

"Huh?" I looked up surprised to see Charlie there, standing at the other end of the entryway. I'd forgotten I wasn't alone, I've become so accustom to that fact lately.

"You doing okay?"

_If only he knew..._ "Yeah, dad, I'm fine."

"Umm, your room's up the stairs, first door on the right. Do you want me to help you carry your stuff up?"

I looked down at my single, half empty bag. "I think I got it covered."

"Right, are you hungery, i could-"

"Dad, I'm fine, i already ate," _Lie..._ "I'm a little jet lagged, I'm gonna go up to my room and try to get some sleep." _Another lie._

I slowly trudged up to my new room, my own, solitary place to live and try to forget as much of my past as possible. Reaching the top of the stair, I gratefully opened the door to take a peak inside. I frowned in disapproval. There was a Rocking chair in one corner, a walk-in closet to my right, _What use that'll be,_ and in the far corner, a full-sized bed with a desk next to it and a brand new laptop. The worst part; light pink walls with rubber-ducky yellow curtains for the windows. _Those will be the first things to go._ I set down my backpack on the bed and reached up to tare off the disturbingly cheerful curtains from the wall and through them in a black trashcan under the desk.


	2. so close but so far

**please, read and review! flames are gratefully accepted!**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**EPOV:**

Laying on my couch with my head propped up against a throw pillow, I gazed out the window, wishing there was something... something, more. My floor thudded from the bass the stereo was creating. The lyrics flooding into me with more meaning to them than any other song in my library:

_Wake in a sweet again, __Another days been layed to waste, __in my disgrace._

_Stuck in my head again, __feels like I'll never leave this place, There's no escape._

_I'm my own worst enemy._

_I'm giving up, I'm sick of feeling, is there nothing you can say?_

_Take this all away, I'm suffocating, Tell me what the fuck is wronge with me_

what's wronge with me?... why can't I feel happiness as Alice and Jasper, or as Esme and Carlisle do? Even Rosalie and Emmet are as happy as can be. I can't remember a time feeling so care-free, so... together.

"Edward, turn down your stereo! I can't even here myself think and I have a History report due tomorrow!"

"YEAH RIGHT!" I shouted, she could write a report in her sleep and still get an A ._ What is she talking about?_ I turned it down anyway. I didn't want her barging in here in a few minutes, I'd rather just be alone. All alone...

**BPOV:**

Laying on my bed with my head propped up against a lumpy pillow, I gazed up at the ceiling, wishing there was something... something, more. Something more then the sarrow and dispare that engulfs my mind. I mapped out what my new room was gonna look like after I took away all of the preppy colors and replaced it with my favorites; crimson red, black, and gray, in that order. I was templating wether I should paint my walls black, or grey. _I _really_ want black... _Letting out a great big sigh, I relized that having my walls painted black as pitch wouldn't go over too well with Charlie. Grey, that'll have to do. That squeaky, old rocking chair was to be replaced with a black futon, and the windows would be covered with long, dramatic drapes the color of blood. Looking down, I noticed I was laying under a bright yellow comforter with an orange plaid. Another sigh. _That'll have to be changed too... maybe a bloody red to match the curtains?_ I was just about crawling out of my skin just looking at it all. why would anybody want to live in a room like this?

Oh. Crap. I'm gonna have to take more money out of my college fund to do all of this. Not like any of that maters, I'm not going to waste four more years of my miserable life cooped up in another classroom, listening to another teacher go on and on about something I don't give a shit about. Once highschool's over, I'm gonna... what am i gonna do? I have nothing going for me... It's not like I have any talents to build a career off of. I can't even walk across a room without falling flat on my face. I hate thinking about this. About my futur, I wish someone could just come and cure me from my misery and then time would just freeze. I could stay in a some kind of sheltered cacoon, protecting me from the rest of this harmful world.

I glanced at the clock on the desk. It read 4 a.m.. How time flys...

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**please read and review, i luv to hear thoughts and critism from my readers!**


	3. Day Breake

**A/N: please read and review, the more reviews I get, the more willing I am to continue this story**

**BPOV:**

_Run faster bella! Run faster! _This unfamiliar male voice urged me on. _Don't let it catch you!_ I didn't know what I was running away from, but the terror within me grew with every step. Green trees loomed above me, blocking out the majority of the sunshine. Off in the distance, I saw a small opening that probably led into a meadow, or maybe even the edge of the forest. This gave me hope, so I ran even faster yet. But the farther I ran, the farther away the little ray of hope became. I began to slow down, no way was I going to be able to out run what ever was chasing me. As I came to a hault, I knelt down and let the cool earth press against my cheek. Oh, how good that felt. _Bella, you can't stop! You can't let it catch you! I won't let you do that to yourself!_

Relizing the urgency in his vioce, I took a deep breathe and got up. _GO!_ I took one step and I felt arms close in around me. _NO!!!_

"NOOOOO!!!!" I awoke from my nightmare with a jolt and I could still hear that mystery-guy's voice ringing in my ears. And strangly, I could still feel the arms that had engulfed me wraped around my body. With a start, I looked down, glad to see it was just my yellow sheats tightly wraped around me. Quickly, I squirmed out of them, thinking how disturbingly real that dream had felt.

**_RINNNNNG!RIIINNNNGGGG!RIIIINNNNGGGGGGG!!_**

"Ah!" I reached over and cautiously turned off my alarmclock that I didn't even remember setting the night before.

By now, I was wide awake. Swinging my legs off the side of the bed, I got up and opened my backpack to grab a pair of clothes to wair for the day. _hmmm... black or...black? ...or black?_ That's the thing I loved about my wardrobe. Everything matched and I could just slip into a random pair of pants and a shirt and it wouldn't matter. I threw on a pair of black fishnets, a miniskirt and a tight black tank top. I glanced in the mirror.

_Something's missing...oh yeah!_ Dashing to the bathroom for the bigger mirror and brighter light, I got my make-up bag and began applying paper white powder to my face and neck. Then I coated a layer of Berry Black lip stainer. _And last, but not least..._ I carfully caked on my black eyeliner, making sure it was as thick as could be while keeping it in a nice straight line. I observerd my work in the full-lengh mirror and liked what I saw. My eyes looked worn and haggard, and my complexion was almost goastly.

"Bella, come eat. The bus should be here any minute!"

_How humiliating, I'll be the only Junior on a bus full of freshmen. _"Be right down!" I stashed my things in a cuboard under the sink. Right behind the towels so no one could see them. Force of habit, I guess. Renee always threatened to throw the stuff away everytime I wore it. Not that that would stop me from using it, I'd just have to go back to the store and buy more gothic make-up, I wouldn't mind. I turned to sprint down stairs and ran into something hard. It was the door post, and my head hitting it made a loud thud.

"Bella, was that you?"

I stood there dissy and a little light headed from the impact. "yeah, ...yeah, dad, I'm.. I'm fine." I shook my head a little hoping it would clear my mind, then I dashed down stairs, not to be late for school on the first day. _What a bad impression_ Renee would say.

I swayed for a second on the bottom step, leening against the last rail so I would stay standing.

"Bella! What are you whairing!" Charlie shocked to see his only daughter standing there innocently with what I had on.

"What? What's wronge?" I asked, looking down at my apparel, trying to act like this was perfectly okay and Renee let me do it all the time. I almost smiled at the thought that Renee would wave me threw the door everyday for school dressed like this, but I thought the timing wouldn't be appropriate, so I bit my lip.

"Bella?! I'm your father! I'm not going to let you go to school like that! Or anywhere, for that matter! Is that really what you want as your first impression?!"

"Yes." I answered flatly.

"Really? But well..."

"What?!" I asked incrediously.

"Well, it's just..."'

"Spit it out already dad!"

"You just... well, your skirt is too short, and your shirt is so tight, and you have on fishnet tights, which not to mention, have holes in them... you kinda, well, look like a hore..." Charlie couldn't even say hore without his face turning purple with embarasment. _Then again, he is talking about his only child..._

"So."

"But-."

"Bye dad." I grabbed an apple out of the fridge and my leather jacket off the coat hanger, hurrying out out the door and leaving Charlie standing in the kitchen, probably falling into shock.


	4. and so it begins

**Disclaimer: As much as I wish it were true, I do not own Twilight whipes tear from eye**

**But that's okay, because someday I'm gonna have my own amazing book that will sell millions of copies, so it's all good! **

* * *

**EPOV:**

"Hey, Edward. Smile, kay? It's snowing out!" Alice flung a snowball at me, hitting me in the square of my back. I balled some snow up in my fist, sqeezing it hard so it would pack into a small ball of ice and tossed it over my shoulder, hitting her right in the face.

_Edward! ouch!_

I continued to class, thinking of ways to burn the day away.

Then my thoughts were interupted by the loud roar of a pick-up truck rounding the corner and gliding into the parking lot. In the driver's seat sat a girl with goast white make-up, draped in black attire. I figured it must be chef Swan's daughter. Lately, everyone had been excited about the new girl that was coming to their school, but I had a feeling they'd now be disappointed. I doubt they'd all befriend a girl that was... well, not to label or anything, but goth. I kind of liked her though. She matched my mood and she was-

_Oh, come on, Edward! Get a hold of your self! That would never, in your wildest dreams, _ever_ work out between you two!_

**BPOV:**

I stumbled out of my new used car and turned up the volumn on my Ipod so I could better hear Marilyn Manson than the sound of everyone rushing to class. As I crossed the parking lot, I observed that for such a rainy place to live, no one wore any dark colors. It was all pink and blue and yellow and orange. It almost gave me a headache just looking at it all. I walked so my combat boots made more noise then necissary while finding my way over to he main office. This made people frown at me as I walked on by. What ever, they'll get used to it.

As I walked into the building, I spotted this drop-dead sexy guy with black hair and what would have been gorgeous eyes, had they not been glaring at me from across the hall. what did I do to him? He looked oddly perplexed and his eyes followed me as I paced down the hall.

I untucked my hair from behind my ear to cover up my face. Oh, the questions his stares raised...

**A/N: SORRY!! I know this is a really short chapter, but I just can't think today and it took so long to post because a lot has been going on lately and I didn't have much time for the computer. I promise, I'll do better from now on. again, _sorry_ for the long wait. please R&R!!**


	5. huh?

**EPOV:**

I slammed down into my seat in the cafeteria. Had my body still been filled with a working circulatory system, my face would be red as hell.

Jasper and his annoying powers noticed this and said, "Edward, what's with the violent emotions? I feel like ripping someones head off, could you tone it down a bit?"

see, that's just the thing. I've felt so numb for so long, and now that the numbing has become hardly noticeable, I can hardly control my emotions. I just can't seem to figure out why this new girl has the ability to block her thoughts from me. I have _never _met someone that was able to keep that from me. Oh, and the one thing that wouldn't let me stop thinking about her for anything in the world. Her blood. Her sweet, flowing crimson blood traveling through the precious veins in her exposed paper white neck...

I shook my head violently trying to stop myself from thinking about her tempting nectar. I'm a 'vegetarian'. I shouldn't have those thoughts, I should only think about my prey that way, not innocent humans.

I couldn't stand it any more. Staring at her, concentrating hard with every fiber of my being, trying to hear the voice inside her head, and gaining no response. Like her mind was taking a vacation. One that was far away from where I might pick up any signals. It was driving me insane and an insane vampire in a room full of humans generally doesn't mix well. I stood up fast, knocking my chair over. Leaving my tray on the table for someone else to pick up, I walked as fast as _humanly_ possible towards the exit.

The cool winter air hit my face as I stepped outside, erasing most of her sent, but not all. Some still lingered, forcing me to hold my breathe to restrain myself from going back in there and-

_Stop, Edward. Don't even think about it. Just get through this day and everything will be alright. Keep your distance and-_

The door to the lunch room opened and with it came the sweet smell of her forbidden blood.

_Damn._

**BPOV:**

_Why can't I get you out'a my mind...? _

I sat in the cafeteria at an empty table, starring at this guy I'd never met, my hair draped over my face so he couldn't see. However, I don't think it worked because he was staring right back at me. I closed my eyes and sunk lower into my seat, telling myself to shut him out of my mind and just forget about him. _He's not worth it._

Mystery Guy (pardon the cliche) got up, knocking his chair over with anoutstandingly large crash. The room quieted ever so slightly as everyone turned to watch him as he sped towards the exit. I couldn't help but follow after him, he was too errisistable. He had this dangerous feeling that radiated off of him. It kind of scared me, but at the same time, excited me to no end. I just had to figure out what his deal was.

...though he looked kind of pissed...

maybe..., no! I had to do it now before I lost the nerve to approach such a man. yes, man. There was nothing boy about this guy. _Damn it, Bells, don't do this to yourself again! It'll only come back to haunt you..._

I hesitated, but my curiosity got the better of me and I fallowed. _Curiosity killed the cat,_ I thought to myself with a smile.

I was only a couple feet away from him when he reached the door and slammed it in my face. I don't think he knew I was behind him as he huffed outside, otherwise that would have been seriously rude; it came within millimeters from smashing my white face in.

I shoved it open, ready to tell him off. I'd been ignored enough back home and I was not ready for that same stupid treatment here. The door made a soft click as it closed behind me.

"Hey? Where'd you go... ?" He was no where in sight. The only place he would have been able to disappear to that fast would be behind the... the dumpster?! I walked around the oversized trashcan trying to figure out why he would be hiding from me, but when I peered around the corner, he wasn't there. "What the..."

Suddenly there was shadowon the ground that came from behind me. Without looking, I knew it was him. I could just feel his presence and the danger that seemed to follow hovering over my shoulder.

I tensed and slowly turned around. I felt as if I'd been caught doing something I wasn't supposed to be, but what, I could not put my fingure on.

His eyes blazed, "_What_ do you _want_!?"

I noticed that any other person that infuriated would be breathing hard, but I could hardly tell if his lungs were taking in any air or not. "What's got your nickers in a bunch?" I asked bemused.

He stared me straight in the eye for what seemed like ages. His face looking pained and enraged and sorry all at once. I finally couldn't take the contest any more and was forced to blink be for my eyes started to water and run down my cheeks. But when my eyes opened after rehydrating themselves, he was gone. Literally, in a blink of an eye, he was gone.

I looked out into the parking lot, wide-eyed. _Where did he go...? Where'd he go?!_

I looked around as if I'd find him standing right next to me, but again, he was no where to be seen...

_What the Fuck..._

**I'll write more frequently, I promise.**

**School started again, so now I have a life and a schedual. I'll even start writing the next chapter tomorrow. Sorry for the incredible wait. Thanx for staying with the story for all this time...**


	6. God help me

**BPOV:**

_I swear he was there; I- I know he was... I'm positive._

The word 'insane' rings through my head. I sit in a desk in the very back of the room as I weigh out my chances of actually insanity.

-My family did have a history of mental disease...  
-Then again, I could just be wishing I had one as an excuse. If I took pills, people would stop asking themselves why I'm such a freak...  
-But I could _not_ have made that up; his glare was so intense...  
-Then again, he did evaporate into thin air... That's not exactly possible; I had to have imagined the whole thing.

...Right?

**EPOV:**

In under a minute, I was in the clearing I had grown so fond of. I flung myself down into the snow and burried my face into the the cold crystals as I let the call of her blood flow out of my system. I rolled over and took a deep breath of crisp winter air; cold, and free of temptation. I let the strong smell of pine wash over me as my clenched muscles slowly relaxed and I tried to grasp the self control that I had gathered over the years.

Almost _all_ of the self control gone... in a matter of seconds...

_Why was her blood so strong? So intense?! It was like I hadn't fed for _months_ when I had only just done so three nights ago._

My metaphorical blood boiled. I sat up and packed a chunk of snow into an ice ball and hurled it towards a tree, making a perfect hole right through the middle of the tree's trunk with a sharp crack.

" Did you really have to kill that tree?" Carlisle walks up behind me. "Alice called me, she sounded worried."

As I began to explain to Carlisle about my extremely unsettling afternoon, I felt something pulling me towards the school. Yes, the smell was gone, but talking about it just made me want it even more.

"Go feed, your eyes have grown more and more black as you continue to talk. Would you like some company," wondered Carlisle, "I haven't feed for a few weeks and I have a busy schedule in the operating room tomorrow..."

I figured it was best not to be left alone. I wanted to think to myslef, but I knew if there was no one to stop me from doing anything rash things may end with bloodshed.

With that, we were off to the British Colombian mountains in South Western Canada. I was in need of a mountain lion or three.


End file.
